Life and Death

The last 2 years a couple of good guys have died.

This morning we went to the funeral of a good guy, he was 30 years old and died in an accident, his death was sudden and unexpected. A guy we knew not as a close friend but a guy we had abit to do with over the years and we valued and respected him. The initial shock of him being gone put both Shane and I into the whole what would we do and how we'd feel. Our feelings for the family of sadness and sympathy for the family and close friends. He's left behind a big hole.
I knew him with a huge smile, as a welcoming friend, and as a good bloke, a bloke who loved his wife (trust me you could see it written on his face!), loved the Lord, and had a great sense of life and fun.

Last year another guy we knew and respected died - another great guy, he wasn't that much older either. It's just been the first anniversary of his death I kept him in my mind alot this last year, the memories of the things said at his funeral about the values he lived by - I figure if I could learn something from his life it was a legacy from him. Kind of thinking how to put it here but as an encouragement to keep going when things get tough, have a smile and care, have faithfulness and determination.

You know both these guys loved God with a huge passion, both were like giant teddy bears, soft hearted with a huge softness and cheer or joy about them in different ways. The huge benefit of being a Christian in this position is knowing that I will once see them again. They are resting in Heaven and although their time was short on this earth they have achieved alot before they left - alot of people loved these guys, respected these guys and had their lives impacted because of them. If I can be half as great at showing love, friendship, their love for the Lord, smiles and laughs with people as these guys did then I have learnt and appreciated things of them and they will live on in some small way via me.

So today as I acknowledged Nello to his family and friends, I know for me I have taken a small part of the impact he has left and have another memory to add for this next coming year as a reminder of what one person can leave and the challenge of caring that small part on. As for Kerry this next year I will continue his memory onwards again and be challenged to make the most of the opportunities given, the family and friends I have.

I am sure hoping that I will have no more memories of people and challenges or encouragements to add for me to live my life by in the coming years...the reminder today by Nello's mother-in-law was to tell those that loved you and you love exactly that, learn about them, spend time with them you never know when that time might just be up. That's a great reminder - when my children came home they all got an extra long hug and told I loved them.

I think ramblings by Anita might be an appropriate title for today. I dislike funerals I cry and feel empathy but I feel if I can honour the persons memory by allowing their life to impact mine still thats a lovely legacy for me to carry for them. So to those who I love, I love you dearly I'm not so good at saying it. My family - My hubby and kids, My Mum and Dad, My brother Mark & Catherine, My extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins and all my in-law family, my great friends...I'll have to try harder to say how much I value and love you all.

I have been blogging

but I haven't been publishing some of the things in my head I had to get out and this is/was a far too public forum for me to spout off all the things in my head. Some about me, some about other things....I did however just release two of them that are some of the stuff I had going on and was feeling.

Not sure how resolved things are for me with some of the inter-personal stuff, but I'm happier than I was which is a great start. I have some direction which I'm happier with I hated the stagnent waiting that I was left with. The wanting to deal and sort and move on but was stuck in this weedy muck.....but I now think it's time to move forward, finally the mucks being cleared out and I'm pleased that can happen.

I'm leaving a whole pile of junk behind in my wake (a good head clear out and a good autumn clean/throw out). I have cleared out heaps of crap I had stored, the school fair got some of it for white elephant (it wasn't crap, lol) the clothing bins been getting the crap clothes and the good clothes I've passed around friends so it's a great feeling.

So a fresh clear start for 2010 but just started a few months late.....

My hidden blog pt 2

Well I don't know where I stand and I thought before was bad enough but now I truely have no clue about my role or anything. I just want to run far far away from it all and leave it in the distance but at the same time the idea and values behind it I love. So I am left twisting and turning inside, I'm angry, frustrated - very frustrated, sad, unhappy and wondering where to from here?

What now? How now? (Brown cow) Why? and Arghhhhhhh all come from my head!

my hidden blog!

Well I've haven't blogged in over a month as things have been totally nuts for me. Business has been busy and juggling that with the kids and some other things I have been involved in have been consuming.

I have been waiting to see what happens with one the groups I'm involved with and it's been an interesting thing to watch unfold. I will need to make a decision in the next few weeks about our involvement for the future or more so my involvement for the future. This will come as a challenge for me as I totally support and believe in what the groups doing but I'm just not sure how I can fit with that any more and how I can work effectively so I'm considering my position. Theres so much more I could say to get it out but thats more suited for a private document.

So the last day the burdens been heavy and I guess thats why I'm here to get it all out of my head so that tonight I might sleep and not have all this stuff in my head.

It is Friday again!

Thank goodness for Friday. Today is the end of the first couple of days of school it's always a good feeling to get those first few days out of the way! The kids have a teacher only afternoon - I think the teachers are going on retreat this weekend. So lunch time my tribe will come home and I can't wait...I have lunch sorted for them and then as long as hubby is back from the job we are working on then we are off to mini golf. The best part is the kids don't know this and will love it.

Had friends we haven't caught up with for ages come over last night it was so great to see them. It was just so nice to sit and chat and relax!

So a change in pace today with half a day or quiet to work in then some family fun this afternoon before one of the boys has indoor soccer tonight.

A nice finish to the week...

The last couple of days

Yesterday my best friend text me and asked how my day was going and I almost text back blah don't ask it's not great. I didn't at the point text back because my first response was I'm sorry there is no one home to return a message. Mainly as there are a couple of things in my life that are up in the air and I was having a meeting about some of it yesterday. I was a little aprehensive about this meeting and not knowing if I was going to get any answers or if I was still going to be hanging. That didn't help my mood! It was the last day of the holidays and I love having the kids around even though they drive me batty at times! So facing the whole back to school routine as well as in my mind.

Driving to my meeting I was thinking of what things I needed to bring up and just was wondering how I was going to react and what my offerings were going to be if there was big changes. Coming home I felt ok, but realising that there is going to be a shake-up and that there are quite big challenges ahead make me a little overwhelmed and nervous. But in bite sized pieces they will be managable and by taking each step one at a time and not trying to predict how things are going to be, I'm sure it'll be fine.

So last night was Iconz (modern boys brigade) family bbq to start the year. It was great at a little bay called Corsair Bay, it's a beautiful spot. The kids were swimming, they had rafts and canoes there as well. The weather was good and the water was warm...I know this cause I went in and swam - it was so good I loved being out in the ocean just floating about (no surf at this bay). A good way to end the holidays...

School went back this morning, the kids were mostly ok apart from Missy who thru a big tantrum because she wasn't going. But she went and she was fine - of course. All the kids wanted me to come to their classes, even Miss A who is in High School (although at the same school she's been since she started school at 5!)..so I met the teachers and enjoyed watching them catch up with friends and then I walked home. I get home and hubby is off out on a job so it's just me here, I do feel a little lost with the quiet and peacefulness of being here alone. I look around thinking where are they? And why in the holidays does lunchtime get here so quick today it's feeling like lunchtime and it's 10.30am! Todays dragging on, but on that hand comes the benefit of school - I have quite alot of paperwork and accounts done, that would have most likely taken longer had the kids been here and I would have had the interuptions. I'm looking forward to hearing about the kids day at school the first for year9,year7,year4 and year2 for them...

Pondering

As I retreated into myself and my own wee world today by having my headphones in and just pottering away at the jobs of the day, like the washing, changing the sheets all the mundane horrible jobs that one has to do...I started pondering school going back this week, what jobs I have on my to do list, what things I need to get done today and for a meeting tonight.

At one point it felt totally overwhelmed at how much I have on and how much is to be done. I got the certain urge to run away somewhere quiet or retreat to my restful place and hide! But as soon as I started running through all the but todays it's only xyz I have to do, so tomorrow leaves ABC it seemed more managable but still quite daunting and I felt quite pressured with everything on my plate. The next 2 songs on my MP3 turned out to be quite timely My best friends the creator of the universe, and as I listened and sung away in my head I thought about it he created the universe and I know that I carry things lighter when I share my load....or offload to Him. The next song was Chris Tomlin, Amazing Grace and thats so true theres all this stuff in my life that not many people are aware of and this song softens my heart and helps me acknowledge where I have come from. Just hearing these 2 songs made me feel lighter and as I kept on with the tasks at hand I realised that I no longer felt that deep urge to run and it's all too much.

So today, right now I'm grateful for the opportunity to retreat into myself with my MP3 and to come out the other side lighter and better for it....and thats the end of my self focused blogging today.